Hitting rock bottom
At some point in our lives we all hit rock bottom and it will look differently for all of us.
For me, my journey has been layered with a few rocky situations over the last few years. I believe it started with my bankruptcy. Whilst going through this situation I rekindled a romance with someone who I really wanted to be with.
Through all the drama of my money issues I thought yes! I have found happiness with someone who loves me and wants to be with me and I was on cloud 9 enjoying weekends away, days and evenings out. Six months down the line the travelling was taking its toll and we discussed about moving in together I had one rule that I would not move without having a job. He said that it would take at least a year to find something. I enlisted the help of a recruitment agent and landed a job a few months later!
I was really excited and nervous moving from my home town Bristol to start a new life down in West Sussex with my partner. I had a great job working at a respected local law firm and I thought this is it! I have made it and here is my happy ever after.
The first month could not have been further from the truth. The cracks started to show and the realisation that we had rushed in was noticeably. I cried every night, putting a face on at work trying not to show what was happening behind closed doors. My family helped me to find a place of my own and I moved out shortly after but being so far away from home, family and friends I found it hard.
A few months had gone past and he made contact. I knew that I still had feelings for him and the with the time apart I had started to feel better, my confidence was growing, and I had even managed to save some money. Believing that I had been the problem and that if I changed everything would be ok between us. Over the following months we started dating again, and just under a year later I moved back again. My family were hurt because they had sacrificed a lot themselves to help me out of the bad situation and said that if I chose to go back and it didn’t work out that I would need to deal with it. I assured them that it was all good because it was different we were both on the same page and wanted to be together and I was back in the honeymoon period.
Fast forward a few years and the signs were reappearing that all was not well. I felt I was not good enough, that I was not and could not be person he wanted. Then one fateful night we had an open discussion where we both truthful and there were some hurtful comments made and I realized we were both trapped in a vicious cycle. A major part of the problem was my money issues although I thought and said I was in recovery I had been relying on him far too much. It got to the point where he didn’t know how to help me.
I longed to have feel secure and feel good enough and by not dealing with my demons it was impacting on us both. We both had our own ways of coping that were destructive to ourselves and each other but we had done our best we what we had and knew at that time. We loved each other in our ways but the only way forward was to be strong and for us both to move on with our lives by breaking free and ending the relationship and with that a month later I moved out and into my own place.
It is three months now and although I was nervous about the future I know I made the best decision for both of us. I took responsibility not only for myself but for the relationship by respecting us both enough to move on. I am so grateful for our relationship the good and the indifferent because I have learnt so much about myself. I realised that I needed to really start my recovery and not just play at it.
I am now coming to the end of my CBT therapy sessions. My anxiety and depression levels are extremely low and manageable, I am managing my money, taking the time to find out the things I enjoy and doing the things I love which is writing for me, spending time at the coast and starting to venture out of my comfort zone.
I am living life on my terms and at my own pace and enjoying finding the extraordinary in the ordinary.
Speak to you soon.
Check out my next blog at the end of June where I will be sharing the lessons I learnt from my own CBT therapy.